Blogging Challenge Day 3:
WRITE ABOUT A TIME YOU CONSIDERED KILLING YOUR SELF.
This is an issue I haven't talked about much, ever. Which is sad because I think it should be talked about and discussed more often. Everyone in the world has been touched or affected in some one or another by suicide. I don't think that anyone who has contemplated, of attempted suicide can give you one single definite reason as to why they felt that was their only choice. It just comes to a point where that's the only decision left to make. You're mind is in such a different place and thoughts and opinions are so warped it's hard to have a clear, level and rational thought. When it gets to that point you can only think of one answer to every wrong thing in your life, and that's to end it all for good.
The first time I tried to kill myself was in elementary school, I want to say it was 3rd grade.I had a plastic ruler that had broken into a point, and I remember taking it to my chest and just pushing. Trying and trying so hard to break through my skin, but all I got was a pretty deep scratch that turned into a scar. So after that I would take that same ruler and just slap my legs over and over again to see how red/purple I could make my thighs. After that in 6th grade I tried hanging myself. I took some string I had, and tied it to a hook in my ceiling. I had no clue how to tie a noose, and there was no internet then (yes I know I just dated myself and it seems impossible to never have had internet...) so I couldn't look up how to make one. I just tied it around my neck and jumped off my bed. I remember the string just digging in under my chin and not actually closing off my airway, and then the hook being ripped out of the ceiling. After that I still continued to constantly think about ways I could die, think about how I wanted to die so badly. I'm not sure what stemmed these thoughts at such a young age. There are several things it could have been. To me the number one thing was the stress and pressure to fit in. I lived in the "rich" neighborhood, and was "friends" with those rich girls. But I never felt like I was actually wanted there. My parents seemed to have money to spend, but I was unaware of the financial agreement my mother and first step father had. I didn't' realize that my mother had to pay half the bills, her own bills as well as support us with just her pay check, as if she were a single mother. So I didn't always have the most up to date clothing. My hair wasn't' always done cute, or at all. My sisters were 5 and 7 years older then me, teenagers they didn't want to bother helping me learn about.... well anything. I was just annoying to them. I tried, I tried really hard to be what those girls wanted me to be, and that was just worse. No matter what I did they just laughed at me. They were all forced to invite me to birthday parties, and to have sleepovers. However, I can recall time upon time where I had to call and ask if I could go to a sleep over. There was one time this girl Brittany had a party at Rockreation, and everyone was taught how to rock climb and have a lunch party. Well her mom had only booked for a certain amount of girls and I was the odd one out. But she had me meet them all there while they finished, and I watched them all rock climbing while I sat on the stairs. It was things like that, that always happened, always. Small petty things, I look back now on and can't believe 10-12 year olds would do.
Skip several years, and several other days contemplating how I could make everything better by just dying. Don't get me wrong, I had some GREAT times as well. I was involved in school musicals, choir, drama, I danced. I had boys that liked me and I liked them. I met my husband in high school... and I will get to that later. I had some great times, but I couldn't help this tugging feeling deep down that something was just off. Something seemed to almost always be there wanting to drag me down and out.
When I went to college I thought things would be great! I was able to live on my own, make my own schedule have friends I wanted to hang out with. Then James came to say goodbye. He was leaving for his mission. Then as I got to know the girls I was suppose to be friends with, I realized they were just like every other girl I was trying to stay away from my whole life since elementary school. They were snooping through my room, stealing my clothes, talking crap behind my back because I hung out with the older students. I started to stop going to school, which I actually really loved my classes... I just didn't see the point any more. I started to drink, a lot. With those older "friends". I would get so wasted just so I could stop thinking the thoughts I was continually thinking. I would sit in class and and imagine blood running down my arms. Think of how it would stain my clothes. I would count in my head how many pills I had back in my room and how many it would take exactly to end it all. I had no stability, I was falling in every direction while still holding the pieces together the best I could. I was a fake and didn't know who my true self was any more. Then one day I knew if I didn't do something FOR myself, I was about to do something TO myself. I thought maybe if I just talked to someone and understood that I wasn't the only one feeling this lost I could be ok. So I set up an appointment with a school counselor. I told her everything I felt, and everything I was thinking. And we agreed that it was best I got more professional help. My dad came and picked me up from school and I went to a facility for a week to clear my head and get some help. I went through several medications. I hated them all, but I took them. I was numb, and blank to the world. I no longer felt the constant urge to end myself, but I also no longer felt anything. I couldn't connect with people, and I felt emotionally drained. I just dealt with it. I thought this was just how I was suppose to be from now on.
There's a lot of details I could go into, thoughts and feelings I had. This story is incredibly long, because it's not over. I still deal with a lot of these issues. I have my bad days, where I just want to lay in my bed and be away from the world. I have a wonderfully supportive family, and very understanding husband. He knows when I have days like that he can either help or hurt me just depending on how he phrases a simple question. He still stands by me though. He is what helps me more then any pill I could take. He keeps me focused and steady. We talk, and I think talking is the key. We as a society need to talk much more about this. Talk about how you feel, what your thinking, and what you want. Suicide is a horrible way to end, and so lonely, but it is everywhere. Sometimes you have to get to the very end to find your beginning again.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Are You There God, It's Me....
30 Day Blogging Challenge
Day 3: What are Your Views On Religion?
Religion is probably the one establishment that has been around longer then anything else. If you ask those who are religious it's been around the since the beginning of time! Whether it's polytheism, monotheism, idolatry or even satanism... there are deep roots going back as far as anyone can recall. So, who am I to say what is right and what is wrong? Why should I tell you who, and what to believe and not believe? When it comes to a higher power I worry about my own relationship with whatever it is.
Which is why I personally don't believe in organized religion. Coming from a very predominately one religion state, it can be difficult to find anyone that understands let along agrees with my views. I was lucky to have a mother who raised us to find out own beliefs and stance while still instilling morals and the ability to make good choices, in us. I don't see the Christ like nature in religions constantly degrading one another and saying one is lying, or wrong. They are all constantly preaching they are the one true church of God, when his goal was to unite one another. I don't see how God would limit himself so greatly to just one type of worship. I think there are so many different religions out there so everyone can find their way that suits them best to worship and praise and love God. I would, and could never tell someone their religion is wrong. If it makes them happy why deny them that? I think that's all Jesus wanted, happiness for the world and for Heavenly Father's children.
I believe in reincarnation. I believe in soul mates, more then just love soul mates, but friends and siblings and those people that fall into your life for some reason and you don't know why whether for good or bad they have chagned and shaped your lives for a reason. I believe in an after life. I believe that your sould goes to a place of rest and happiness. Where you can surround yourself with the energies of those that meant most during your living life. There are no varying degrees of after life, there's no better choices and places for some over others. If you want to be with someone you love you can go to them and they can go to you. You can watch down, or over or whatever you want with the people you left in the living. I beileve in spirits and angels. I know I can feel those I've lost with me in tiems that I need them, and times that I don't. I know they try to communicate.
I feel that there is evil, and malicious and scary things out there. I believe you can call them to you and you can banish them away. I don't think the spirit world is something to play around with.
This is just the surface of my beliefs, but I tink you find and understand more layers of your own beliefs when engaged in an actual conversation...
Day 3: What are Your Views On Religion?
Religion is probably the one establishment that has been around longer then anything else. If you ask those who are religious it's been around the since the beginning of time! Whether it's polytheism, monotheism, idolatry or even satanism... there are deep roots going back as far as anyone can recall. So, who am I to say what is right and what is wrong? Why should I tell you who, and what to believe and not believe? When it comes to a higher power I worry about my own relationship with whatever it is.
Which is why I personally don't believe in organized religion. Coming from a very predominately one religion state, it can be difficult to find anyone that understands let along agrees with my views. I was lucky to have a mother who raised us to find out own beliefs and stance while still instilling morals and the ability to make good choices, in us. I don't see the Christ like nature in religions constantly degrading one another and saying one is lying, or wrong. They are all constantly preaching they are the one true church of God, when his goal was to unite one another. I don't see how God would limit himself so greatly to just one type of worship. I think there are so many different religions out there so everyone can find their way that suits them best to worship and praise and love God. I would, and could never tell someone their religion is wrong. If it makes them happy why deny them that? I think that's all Jesus wanted, happiness for the world and for Heavenly Father's children.
I believe in reincarnation. I believe in soul mates, more then just love soul mates, but friends and siblings and those people that fall into your life for some reason and you don't know why whether for good or bad they have chagned and shaped your lives for a reason. I believe in an after life. I believe that your sould goes to a place of rest and happiness. Where you can surround yourself with the energies of those that meant most during your living life. There are no varying degrees of after life, there's no better choices and places for some over others. If you want to be with someone you love you can go to them and they can go to you. You can watch down, or over or whatever you want with the people you left in the living. I beileve in spirits and angels. I know I can feel those I've lost with me in tiems that I need them, and times that I don't. I know they try to communicate.
I feel that there is evil, and malicious and scary things out there. I believe you can call them to you and you can banish them away. I don't think the spirit world is something to play around with.
This is just the surface of my beliefs, but I tink you find and understand more layers of your own beliefs when engaged in an actual conversation...
Krunk
Blogging Challenge Day 3 (I've been busy at work so I'm doing several days in one day...)
WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON DRUGS AND ALCOHOL?
There's a phase in most peoples life where they decide their stance on drugs and alcohol. Some have a solid defined stance, and some know what they want to have a stance on but still have a hard time standing for it. I know many people who have a hard no zero tolerance policy for both drugs and alcohol. Their lives have been so affected by these two substances that they can't even imagine using either one. Others have been so consumed and wrapped up in one of both of those worlds they either don't see the bad in overindulging, or by the help of rehab stay far away from it.
I think I was raised by a mother who helped me understand the affect of both of these substances enough that I never had to dive in deep to either one. I drink. I enjoy drinking! I love having a glass of red wine when ever I can. I enjoy margarita's and especially whiskey sours. I was taught that if I were to drink to make sure I drink responsibly. I would drink with people I knew and not complete strangers. I have indulged more then I should have a few times, I will admit. Out of celebration I didn't pay attention to my own limits and went too far. I surrounded myself with people who cared about me and were great to take care of me when I needed it, just as I have done for many of my friends. I know that not many people can understand, or control their limits. I know some of these people personally. I don't think though that everyone should be controlled so tightly because of these few individuals. The liquor laws in Utah are so ridiculous at times we might as well be a dry state. It would almost make more sense to be a dry state rather then having to deal with all the run around and stupidity set upon us by the government. If someone wants to drink they WILL find a way to drink, limiting them will only make them drink in a more irresponsible manner.
Which now brings us to drugs. I have smoked pot. Several times. I see nothing wrong with pot. It's relaxing and at times, can be fun. Again this is all with discretion. I think Marijuana should be legal. I think it should be monitored and distributed like alcohol is. Petty crime rates go down when Marijuana is legalized. Prescription drug use goes down... I don't believe in Marijuana being a "gateway drug" I think it's only that if you let it be that. I think it's the people you surround yourself with while smoking pot that could introduce you to worse drugs. It's peoples inclination towards drugs that will decide if they will want a "better" high. I do not think it's pot its self that gives you a taste for the high. Marijuana is the ONLY drug I feel this way about. I do not think there is any other drug out there that should be legal. They are all chemically made and enhanced. I hear of so many more people spiraling down and ODing on every other drug out there.
I'm not saying I think we should all be doped up all the time. Or that I think taking advantage of and abusing either drugs or alcohol is good. I think that if we educate and monitor both of these we may see more positive outcomes then we do negative.
WHAT IS YOUR STANCE ON DRUGS AND ALCOHOL?
There's a phase in most peoples life where they decide their stance on drugs and alcohol. Some have a solid defined stance, and some know what they want to have a stance on but still have a hard time standing for it. I know many people who have a hard no zero tolerance policy for both drugs and alcohol. Their lives have been so affected by these two substances that they can't even imagine using either one. Others have been so consumed and wrapped up in one of both of those worlds they either don't see the bad in overindulging, or by the help of rehab stay far away from it.
I think I was raised by a mother who helped me understand the affect of both of these substances enough that I never had to dive in deep to either one. I drink. I enjoy drinking! I love having a glass of red wine when ever I can. I enjoy margarita's and especially whiskey sours. I was taught that if I were to drink to make sure I drink responsibly. I would drink with people I knew and not complete strangers. I have indulged more then I should have a few times, I will admit. Out of celebration I didn't pay attention to my own limits and went too far. I surrounded myself with people who cared about me and were great to take care of me when I needed it, just as I have done for many of my friends. I know that not many people can understand, or control their limits. I know some of these people personally. I don't think though that everyone should be controlled so tightly because of these few individuals. The liquor laws in Utah are so ridiculous at times we might as well be a dry state. It would almost make more sense to be a dry state rather then having to deal with all the run around and stupidity set upon us by the government. If someone wants to drink they WILL find a way to drink, limiting them will only make them drink in a more irresponsible manner.
Which now brings us to drugs. I have smoked pot. Several times. I see nothing wrong with pot. It's relaxing and at times, can be fun. Again this is all with discretion. I think Marijuana should be legal. I think it should be monitored and distributed like alcohol is. Petty crime rates go down when Marijuana is legalized. Prescription drug use goes down... I don't believe in Marijuana being a "gateway drug" I think it's only that if you let it be that. I think it's the people you surround yourself with while smoking pot that could introduce you to worse drugs. It's peoples inclination towards drugs that will decide if they will want a "better" high. I do not think it's pot its self that gives you a taste for the high. Marijuana is the ONLY drug I feel this way about. I do not think there is any other drug out there that should be legal. They are all chemically made and enhanced. I hear of so many more people spiraling down and ODing on every other drug out there.
I'm not saying I think we should all be doped up all the time. Or that I think taking advantage of and abusing either drugs or alcohol is good. I think that if we educate and monitor both of these we may see more positive outcomes then we do negative.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Oh the Places We Will Go...
Blogging Challenge: Day 2
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN 10 YEARS?
There was once a time when I could answer this at a drop of a hat. It was so much easier when you only had yourself to worry about. As well as at the time my life path was going in such a different direction. I had it planned out, I knew what I was doing. I wasn't doing it very well at first, I struggled, and I grasped at any help. But I still was very determined to do it. In my head 10 years from then I was going to be somewhere, be someone. I was 21 and the world was all mine for the taking.
Then my heart took hold, spun me around 1,000 times and chucked me out onto this new road I've been stumbling on the last 5 years.
So where would I like to be in the next 10 years? I want to be with the man I love enough to change my world around for, have a daughter that is well mannered, well adjusted and happy with her life. I want her to love her parents, and all that we've been able to provide her with. I hope to be able to provide her with everything she wants! I hope to have at least one other child. I want that child to be loved and be loving, and be close to his/her sibling.
I want to be in a new home. Nothing really big and fancy, I want it cozy and warm. I want friends to feel welcome. I want children's friends to always feel welcome. I want there to be laughter, and music in my house. I want a bedroom for each our kids, and an en suit bathroom in mine and James' bedroom. I want a back yard where our kids can run and play. With a swing set and a trampoline.
I want to be in a place in my job where I feel like I always know what I'm doing. Where I can make the decisions and know that they are the right ones, and if they aren't I will know how to fix them. I want to be the one with all the answers. I want to be making my company money so that I can be making more money. I want to be able to run the office well enough that my boss can go on vacations, and come back happy.
So, I may not be the person I THOUGHT and PLANNED on being, but I'm exactly who I'm suppose to be now. I love where I am now and who I am. I love who I'm becoming, and what I'm making of myself. 10 years from now who knows where I'll be. I could be in a completely different place then I figured or planned. That's what makes life so much fun though, you just can't plan it.
WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN 10 YEARS?
There was once a time when I could answer this at a drop of a hat. It was so much easier when you only had yourself to worry about. As well as at the time my life path was going in such a different direction. I had it planned out, I knew what I was doing. I wasn't doing it very well at first, I struggled, and I grasped at any help. But I still was very determined to do it. In my head 10 years from then I was going to be somewhere, be someone. I was 21 and the world was all mine for the taking.
Then my heart took hold, spun me around 1,000 times and chucked me out onto this new road I've been stumbling on the last 5 years.
So where would I like to be in the next 10 years? I want to be with the man I love enough to change my world around for, have a daughter that is well mannered, well adjusted and happy with her life. I want her to love her parents, and all that we've been able to provide her with. I hope to be able to provide her with everything she wants! I hope to have at least one other child. I want that child to be loved and be loving, and be close to his/her sibling.
I want to be in a new home. Nothing really big and fancy, I want it cozy and warm. I want friends to feel welcome. I want children's friends to always feel welcome. I want there to be laughter, and music in my house. I want a bedroom for each our kids, and an en suit bathroom in mine and James' bedroom. I want a back yard where our kids can run and play. With a swing set and a trampoline.
I want to be in a place in my job where I feel like I always know what I'm doing. Where I can make the decisions and know that they are the right ones, and if they aren't I will know how to fix them. I want to be the one with all the answers. I want to be making my company money so that I can be making more money. I want to be able to run the office well enough that my boss can go on vacations, and come back happy.
So, I may not be the person I THOUGHT and PLANNED on being, but I'm exactly who I'm suppose to be now. I love where I am now and who I am. I love who I'm becoming, and what I'm making of myself. 10 years from now who knows where I'll be. I could be in a completely different place then I figured or planned. That's what makes life so much fun though, you just can't plan it.
Monday, March 12, 2012
I'm 5 days late on this post, I've accepted it so should you.
Day one of the 30 day blogging challenge has already proved me as a failure. I'm still going to write these blogs though.
DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS.
Married.
Marriage to many people means so many different things. To some it means the end of life as they know it. To others it's the beginning of a whole new life. To some it means having a wedding, and others it's saying vows. To me it's accepting another to share a part of yourself. It's letting them see your dark moment, your embarrassing times, as well as sharing with you all the joys in life you have.
I am a child of divorce. Two to be exact. I'll admit it left a bitter taste in my mouth, not towards my mother, my father or my first step father. Not towards marriage even, but towards divorce. Seeing what it does to a person emotionally, physically and mentally is horrible. There's so much that goes on while divorcing, and if affects so many more then just the couple going through it. I don't consider my mother's marriages to be mistakes either. If she hadn't married my father, my sisters and I wouldn't be here. If she hadn't married my step father I wouldn't have a better understanding and compassion for those with mental diseases. As well as I wouldn't have such a great relationship with a great man now, who has no other family.
Going through these divorces made me know in my heart of hearts that when I recited my vows I was going to mean them. That when I got married that was going to be it, for good, for life, for eternity. I discussed this with James quite a bit before we decided to get back together and have me move back to Utah from California. I told him "If I move back I want to marry you, and if I marry you I WILL NOT divorce you." Thankfully he felt the same way. We were married in October of 2008, and I have been happy with him every single day. I won't say I've always been happy of things we have said/done/chosen, but I've always been happy it's been him I've gone through it all with. I can honestly say that I can not see myself with anyone else. Which is probably why I ran from everyone else. I know we will grow old together, I know we will have harder times then we've already gone through, and I know we will have better times then even the best times we've gone through. It all goes back to my vows though, I will be with James through better and worse, through sickness and health. Until DEATH do us part. I was lucky, beyond lucky to find James as young as I did. And sure by some people standards we were still pretty young when we got married, but I don't live by others standards. I knew I wanted to share my life with him from the day I met him. I hope everyone can find someone like that, even if they have to get divorced twice before they find him (mom and Jim) or they don't meet until they are 30 (Annika and Adam). I think everyone CAN meet that person, if they WANT to meet that person.
I love being married, and I suggest it to anyone that is ready for it. It's tough, it's a challenge, it's probably one of the hardest things you'll choose to do in your life (unless you have children...) but it's all so worth it when at the end of the night you settle into bed and you look over at the one person in the world that's willing to cross fire to see you smile, and you know you would do the exact same thing. It's worth it. In the end, it's always worth it.
DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS.
Married.
Marriage to many people means so many different things. To some it means the end of life as they know it. To others it's the beginning of a whole new life. To some it means having a wedding, and others it's saying vows. To me it's accepting another to share a part of yourself. It's letting them see your dark moment, your embarrassing times, as well as sharing with you all the joys in life you have.
I am a child of divorce. Two to be exact. I'll admit it left a bitter taste in my mouth, not towards my mother, my father or my first step father. Not towards marriage even, but towards divorce. Seeing what it does to a person emotionally, physically and mentally is horrible. There's so much that goes on while divorcing, and if affects so many more then just the couple going through it. I don't consider my mother's marriages to be mistakes either. If she hadn't married my father, my sisters and I wouldn't be here. If she hadn't married my step father I wouldn't have a better understanding and compassion for those with mental diseases. As well as I wouldn't have such a great relationship with a great man now, who has no other family.
Going through these divorces made me know in my heart of hearts that when I recited my vows I was going to mean them. That when I got married that was going to be it, for good, for life, for eternity. I discussed this with James quite a bit before we decided to get back together and have me move back to Utah from California. I told him "If I move back I want to marry you, and if I marry you I WILL NOT divorce you." Thankfully he felt the same way. We were married in October of 2008, and I have been happy with him every single day. I won't say I've always been happy of things we have said/done/chosen, but I've always been happy it's been him I've gone through it all with. I can honestly say that I can not see myself with anyone else. Which is probably why I ran from everyone else. I know we will grow old together, I know we will have harder times then we've already gone through, and I know we will have better times then even the best times we've gone through. It all goes back to my vows though, I will be with James through better and worse, through sickness and health. Until DEATH do us part. I was lucky, beyond lucky to find James as young as I did. And sure by some people standards we were still pretty young when we got married, but I don't live by others standards. I knew I wanted to share my life with him from the day I met him. I hope everyone can find someone like that, even if they have to get divorced twice before they find him (mom and Jim) or they don't meet until they are 30 (Annika and Adam). I think everyone CAN meet that person, if they WANT to meet that person.
I love being married, and I suggest it to anyone that is ready for it. It's tough, it's a challenge, it's probably one of the hardest things you'll choose to do in your life (unless you have children...) but it's all so worth it when at the end of the night you settle into bed and you look over at the one person in the world that's willing to cross fire to see you smile, and you know you would do the exact same thing. It's worth it. In the end, it's always worth it.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
My 30 Day Challenge... fingers crossed I can do it!
So I found this on another girlfriends blog. I like the content matter it asks you to write about, and it's something I think I could easily write about it. I was planning on starting at the beginning of this month, but I totally forgot about it... So here I go, starting tomorrow I will begin my 30 Day Blogging Challenge!!
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